May 5, 2008

So big and so much more...

Poor Hailey, she wants to be big so bad. She is convinced she grows when she drinks milk (which she hates so we are talking about an ounce a day) - and each time she eats something she asks if it will make her bigger. Tonight it was Watermelon "Mom, Watermelon make me bigger?" Yes Hailey...followed by a big Hailey Thumbs Up!I find myself always struggling to not wish her life away as she does grow bigger. It has always been hard for me to remind myself that kids need to be kids, not only that, but they are allowed to be kids. My problem is always the "age appropriate" behavior. With both Lauren and Hailey we have been blessed with very bright little girls, mature daily behavior and so much more...however when they pop off and act their age it is a constant struggle to remember that it is OK! It may not be RIGHT but it is OK. I mean Hailey is not even three yet, by most standards she is still just a baby. Many her age can not speak in complete sentences let alone formulate the thought processes and care that Hailey demonstrates. However, when she screams bloody murder because I wont let her where her fancy spinny dress...that is NORMAL... Take a deep breath mom, stand back, hold your ground and say "not today Hailey" then explain "why" later when she is not upset...RIGHT...Well, I keep forgetting. I try to explain when she is sad and/or mad and unable to really listen. SHAME.

I know I shouldn't wish away the days, months and years. I know children grow up too fast. I know that each time I blink something else has changed. As Trace Adkins puts it "You're Gonna Miss This". I know I am going to miss it, I already miss so much, But I can't help but to find myself wishing it all away in spite of myself. On one hand I can't wait to use the restroom all by myself each and everytime I need to go, take a shower that doesn't end with "hang on let me at least get my towel first", eat dinner without wiping a spill or cringing as the catsup drips down the brand new white shirt, drop Hailey off at school and have her not be screaming - on the other hand I want to hold on tight and never let go, I want to listen to every song they sing with a full heart, I want to engrave every precious thing they say into my brain and never lose it, I want to cherish each and every day and moment and try to maintain my patience, I want to remember their age and every wonderful thing they each have to offer this family and this world. So for now all I can do is say "I'll try, I'll keep trying" And maybe Lauren will give ME a big thumbs up for doing so...

Sadly we lost my Uncle Glenn today. My family was not real close to theirs but it very sad none the less. I just saw him about 18 months ago, a healthy father of 3 and husband. Just a couple months ago he was diagnosed with Lymphoma and despite Dr's largest efforts his body was unable to resist and the cancer took over. My dad was just out to visit him on Saturday and he passed away earlier today. I feel so much sadness for the family, the kids and his wife, I feel a sense of relief for Glenn as the suffering has ended and he is in a better place, I feel a great loss for my grandfather (Glenn's dad) as he has lost a son and so much more for my own father who has lost his brother early in life. I wish all the best to the family and hope everyone can find peace in his departure and celebrate his life.

Far away here in Colorado I found myself having to explain things to Hailey in the best "2 year" fashion I could. I was in this position after I told Lauren what had happened and Hailey heard and inquired "Why you sad mommy, why Grandpa is sad?" - feeling on the spot but also feeling the need to say something right rather than hide it I said..."Hailey Grandpa's brother has died and has gone to heaven and his family won't see him anymore" so our little angel replies "Grandpa is sad acause he lost him brother and he won't be able to play with him anymore" to which my eyes filled with tears and pride at the same time. Such a little angel as I sit silent she says "Sorry mommy, Sorry Grandpa - it will be ok"

To Uncle Glenn, Grandma Slingerlend and family:
Today we mourn the loss of another family member,
today we remember all the good he did in life,
today we rejoice in the life he gave to Sara, Jon and Jim
today we cherish the love he had for Jan and others around him
Today we thank the lord for reuniting Glenn with his mother
and we thank you lord, that we are here today to remember and to say thank you.

I am also reminded of the first verse of a Michael W Smith song:

Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
Cant believe the hopes hes granted
Means a chapter in your life is through
But well keep you close as always
It wont even seem youve gone
cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

Give extra hugs to everyone you love tonight...


Krape Family said...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Close or not, family is family.

Alicia said...

I am so sorry to hear your uncle passed. As you were there for me when my cousin passed, I am here for you. Call or send an email if you need to chat. See you on Wednesday.

Bonnie said...

Terra, I loved what you wrote about wanting your kids to grow up but not wanting to let them at the same time. I completely relate to that. You worded it so beautifully. Again I am sorry for you and your family's loss..anything we can do let us know.